Hear me out. I recently watched Breaking Dawn (Part 2), the final movie of the Twilight franchise and, to my complete surprise, I enjoyed myself. A lot. There was no sickening feeling of regret that I’d become so accustomed to with watching previous Twilight movies and weekend tequila benders. I didn’t feel like I wasted hours of my time. With the previous movies, I’ve mocked them with friends over drinks, but when it was all over I felt like we could have used our time better. We could have been productive and learned how to whittle. Or maybe we could have just drank and talked like a normal group of individuals.
I didn’t break my ultimate rule of having an alcohol supply when watching a Twilight movie. Sobriety would ruin the experience, because then I’d be smart and turn it off. I don’t have the attention span to watch so much vapid staring. In the past, alcoholic drinks have not been enough to forge a loving bond between Twilight and I. But with Breaking Dawn (Part 2) there was chemistry. I was oddly attracted to this stupid movie. Maybe I imagined marrying it and having a baby and giving it a blasphemous name by combining to other bad names together. My mother’s name is Alice. We should call our baby Twilalice. Lovely.
What made this movie so different was that it was really funny. It had a personality – a stupid one, but goddammit it was endearing. This movie was so damn funny, right from the beginning. First of all, they have a CGI baby (Renessme) that is terrifying. It’s totally pointless to have a fake baby because, you know, real babies exist. All other movies use real babies. Usually the babies aren’t newborn and look way too big to have been pushed out a human vagina, but they still look like babies. Maybe they did this to prove they had the most ridiculous budget thanks to all their crazy tween girl fanbase. It was hilarious because it was so fake and blurry, but also because I kept picturing the cast nuzzling a CGI tennis ball on a stick.
Then there is wolf boy. Oh lordy, wolf boy is in love with the baby and there is no shame about it. The movie doesn’t seem to have much shame about it either, because they only make brief comments about it. Bella yells at wolf boy about telling her she should wait to hold her baby because she’s a new vampire. He mentions he loves the baby, but Bella mostly yells at him about the fact that she is the most important person in her baby’s life. Pedophilia, shmedophilia – as long as she gets more attention from the baby everything is cool as a vampire cucumber. Oh, but she goes ballistic when she finds out he nicknames her daughter Nessie – “YOU NICKNAMED MY DAUGHTER AFTER THE LOCH NESS MONSTER?”. Excellent priorities. She shouldn’t care about the monster thing anyway because her daughter is technically a half-vampire freak surrounded by magical monsters all the time, and more importantly her name is so god-awful that being flat-out called ‘loch ness monster’ would be better.
The special effects and dialogue is hilariously bad. The plot somehow manages to upstage those aspects with its ridiculousness. The movie seems to revolve around characters showing off what they can do like some attention-starved immortal toddlers. I can see the future! I can make evil smoke come out my fingers! I can punch rocks now! This takes up most of the movie. Then there is the most anticlimactic fight scene ever made in a movie. They literally stand a football field away from each other and threaten each other. Which is how I always start my fights, but I’m a coward and don’t have super powers. Then, after that hilarious stand-off of nothing, we get to see Bella’s memories. Instead of making the memories appear from her perspective or create some unseen ones because all the actors look exactly the same, they just reuse old clips from the previous movies. Bella sees herself mostly from an outsider’s perspective in her own memories. Now that’s some grade A narcissism.If those facts aren’t funny enough to make you watch, I don’t know what will. How about at one point she attacks a cougar in a forest? Okay, that’s all I have.
I have a theory that the director, actors, and all the crew made the movie like this on purpose. They already had the budget and they knew they would rake in millions no matter what they did. They knew the entire concept was ridiculous. If you need any proof of that the cast thinks the movie is garbage watch Robert Pattinson in interviews or maybe take a glance at Kristen Stewart’s dead and disappointed eyes. I think everyone knew the movies were shit and the last one was going to be in the bag, so they could get away with the minimum amount of effort. And I certainly think they made it more ridiculous for their own benefit, which can be seen in the imaginary fight scene. I think the cast and crew collectively said “fuck it” with Breaking Dawn (Part 2). The best part is that this half-assed Swan-song was the most entertaining movie of the series. Do yourself a favour, grab yourself a glass of wine or a mug of moonshine and watch this with a group of friends.